New Year's resolutions is one of the few "trends" I tend to like. I always made lists of resolutions for the new years for things I wanted to do. I always started very passionately doing them in all through January but then life happened, anxiety happened and I always, slowly but surely started prioritising coping over living, because that's where my life seemed to be leading me.
All these were thoughts I had all through the holidays, alongside deciding what my resolutions are going to be this year. I started looking back at my life and trying to find what was missing, what did I need to decide to do in order to keep my anxiety levels low enough so that life is actually "livable". And then it hit me: the answer was shockingly simple, as much as it was obvious.
I NEEDED TO BE MORE AUTISTIC.
I realised that over the years I slowly prioritised how other people viewed me, or what they expected of me. And because some of these people were always in my life and in my few everyday interactions, I slowly starting endorsing their views of me and started viewing myself as they viewed me. And that was, sadly, normalising. I started endorsing the view that in order to be successful at my job I have to look and behave a certain way. And that way of behaving was skyrocketing my anxiety levels over the roof before even leaving the house! This could not go on for much longer, if I wanted to maintain my sanity.
And what is even worse, I realised that other people started viewing me as a "normal" person. They started to have expectations of me to behave like everybody else. That I could cope with things that they knew I couldn't in the past, to "grow out" of certain behaviours, to be socially graceful and smiling and polite. And with the holidays being a period of way too many social gatherings, that started slowly sucking me in. I started not only wearing a mask, but becoming the mask I was wearing.
The most ridiculous part of it all is that everything started off of my getting my degree and my future career prospects. My "career" (god I HATE that word!) is based on my being different, which is what inspired it, what's maintaining it and what is going be its fuel for the rest of my life. I want to work with people that are different because I get people that are different and I feel I am my best when interacting with them. That is why I work with people on the autism spectrum and I am certain that, in one way or another, I am going to continue doing something autism related for the rest of my life. Which is why I find the notion of being someone else in order to be successful at something I am good at because I am who I am, utterly ridiculous.
So I started wondering how I could do that, how I could be more autistic. Immediately heaps of "red flags" started popping in my head from things I do or have to do that need a more "autism friendly" makeover. I started making lists, arrangements, decisions, plans. I organised everything and I was very satisfied with the result. And then it hit me... What if my resolution doesn't make it past January this year either? What if "life happens" again and I mess everything up one more time? How can I prevent that from happening, when the reason that it doesn't happen is because people expect me to do things I am simply not capable of? When people expect me to be someone else?
And then the answer was simple: well, I needed to look different too. I obviously can't show my autism, but if I can change something in my appearance so that everybody else thinks "she's not quite like everybody else", maybe then everybody will stop treating me like this "perfect little girl" I am not and start treating me like the messed up awesomeness that I am. Maybe I can get people to be biased into perceiving me as different by the way I look. And if that is indeed so, doesn't it worth the effort?
So I dyed my hair pink and pierced my nose. I know it's not much and it doesn't really scream "autism" (which isn't what I was going for anyway), but hopefully it does send a message to people along the intended lines. And, as I expected, it did to some and I did get told that people are going to take me "less seriously" now. That I am not going to be successfully academically or in my career, just because I mildly altered my style. I laughed at the stereotypes coming up and I realised that what I wanted to do does indeed work. People do indeed treat me differently with my new look (thankfully nobody I work with has shown any negative reactions yet, but I am lucky to work in an environment very respectful of individual differences). My autistic brain finds it completely baffling and ridiculous, but it is a sociological observation nevertheless.
I don't mind. After all, if people don't think someone with pink hair can produce good quality academic research and do a job she has qualifications on effectively, then there's no hope for anybody slightly different to ever survive in this world. These kinds of stereotypes need to be pushed and questioned. And they need to be questioned for the sake of everyone who is slightly different in whatever way, by choice or not. People need to start looking and behaving more like the way they WANT to and less like clones or copies of something. And those who can assist that societal change in any way, especially if it means they are going to start being more like themselves, I think they have the moral obligation to do so.
Nobody should feel afraid or threatened to accept their individual differences. Nobody should feel that they have to be someone other than who they are in order to do something they want to or they are good at, even more so if that has to do with paid employment (which will grant them financial independence, a crucial step towards somebody's well-being) or personal aspirations and dreams. Not at this day and age... So no, I will not compromise. I will look slightly different so that I can constantly remind people that I AM different, and not slightly. AND THAT'S FINE. In fact in my world, that's freaking celebrated. Peace out.
No comments:
Post a Comment