That's probably a confusing and even ungrateful statement for a lot of people to process. If any parents of children with autism read it are going to be frustrated, to say the least. Especially if they know me in real life and they have seen the bubbly, funny, optimistic side of me, the side that knods and repeats "I see" every time they described another trouble, worry and concern about their children with autism. I didn't lie then... I did see. I could feel their frustration and it only frustrated me even more, because I didn't see their children the way they did and I couldn't tell them that, not without sounding condescending, over-optimistic or generally making them feel like crappy parents, even though I NEVER thought they were. Even so, that's how I feel. And if people decide to react negatively to it, well, that would be my cross to bear as well.
But let me explain what I mean by "I wish I could be more autistic".
I wish I had less of a social understanding than I do. I wish I was less obsessed in the past in understanding the world I live in, I wish I was less interested now too, I wish it didn't matter for me. I wish I saw less things. I wish I "got" less things. I wish I was less socially aware. Because I see too much, I do. I am obsessed with identifying patterns of behaviour in people and figuring out the way they react and why they react that way because that, to me, is often exciting, like playing a giant sudoku. What I encounter in the process, however, is frustrating, to say the least.
The times I've seen misunderstandings been created over, what it seems to me, nothing.
The times I've seen people, nice people, drift apart over trivialities and stupid/flawed thought processes.
The times I've lost people over my inability to explain myself and my behaviour and their "just not getting it". Which was all stupid misunderstandings in the end. They did contribute to the forming of my current social understanding, but did they contribute to making me happier? I seriously doubt it sometimes... So I wish I hadn't been through all this trouble. I wish my brain had rejected all this information. I wish I hadn't let all those people in my world. I wish I was more autistic.
I wish my behaviour was more autistic too. I wish people could tell easier. I think the biggest challenge of my life was that people couldn't tell. And they still can't... Nobody can know all this hell that happens in my head, because in the end I smile and maintain eye contact (even thought I am counting the lines in their iris :P ) . Who cares that every time I go out I return home with a killer headache and am unable to function all afternoon? Who cares that I lock myself in the shower, shove my fingers in my ears and start crying because the maintenance stuff decided to cut the lawn outside my window or my flatmate decided to walk up and down the corridor outside my room in heels (AGAIN!)? Who cares that my boyfriend calls and I am crying looking at the phone and BEGGING myself to answer it but I just can't (even though he is one of the most understanding people I know) because I know that the only words that will come out of my mouth with be "adablublah flabdidarblumblum", because my brain can't formulate words under stress? Who cares that when all these things happened to me as a child I was hiding under my blanket pretending I was sleeping until the haze in my head went away and I was often too quiet for a mum of five to realise? And when I did have meltdowns I ended up upsetting everyone in the house or seeing the puzzled faces of my sibling that were wondering "what the hell happened now" because nobody could predict what would set me off. Nobody cares about that stuff. Nobody cares about things that they don't see. So I wish I was more autistic. So that I could shove my behaviour down people's throats and show that I have struggles. And I need HELP!
Sometimes I think that if I were more autistic people would have more realistic expectations of me. Sometimes I even think that people who are more autistic than me get more respect for their needs than I do from the autism community. Not the world, (by all means not the world) the closed little community I chose to surround myself with. And sometimes I think that it's my fault for being so determined to always present as a functioning little girl that has everything figured out and for KNOWING how to do it, due to extensive studying for being a human. Sometimes I wish I could twirl on the floor and shout "noooooo, go away!!!!!" everytime something annoys me the way the little boy I work with does, because hopefully that would make my point come across. And yes, people would think I am mental, but at least they would understand that I am a mental with a point and they would accomodate my needs.
So no, I don't mind that I am autistic. In fact I wish I was more of it because in my case hiding my autism has made a serious damage to my mental, and to an extend physical, health. I by no means suggest that people who are more obviously autistic have it easier than me, I have no way of knowing how easy everyone else has it or how they feel about themselves and their differencies. I am still trying to figure out how I am feeling about myself. And I don't advise anybody else to start appearing more autistic because it's not my place to give such advice. I think that everybody should do whatever the hell makes them feel better, autistic or not, weird or not. Unless it does damage to someone else (and we could spend hours talking about what actually does damage to people and what we THINK does damage to people), there really is no point for them to not behave like that, is there? All I know is that if I ever found the strength to present more autistic, knowing my environment and the people that surround me now, I would probably get a bit more understood and respected and hopefully I wouldn't end up with a headache and meltdown-y mood every night. So I wish I find the strength to do it. Like, pronto. In this lifetime. That's all. Aspie out.
